Friday, September 24, 2010

Clouds Over My Heart

It probably started earlier than 2005 but that's the timestamp I can remember.
That's when the first events of the Bad Season began.

I know I wrote about it then. This blog proves it here (although you'll have to scroll). What I didn't know is that every autumn from there forward would have terrible things happen.

Fall 2005: That's when the clouds over my heart started to really roll in and well, the storm continues to build one Bad Season at a time.

I'm obviously writing about this because it's happening again.

I thought, foolishly of course, that this year would be different. The Bad Season would not yield any new events in 2010 and it would just be a memorial year of all the other Bad Seasons gone by. Wrong. Dead wrong.

This year the Bad Season doesn't disappoint. It is full of loss and 'bad' change. Change that I don't want. Mostly because again I didn't choose it.
This is where a philosophy class comes in handy because it's a waste of time arguing about the positive versus negative aspects of change, forced or otherwise. It isn't either. It just is. If change is anything, it is completely balanced with both of those qualities.
Go ahead and take a second here to consider that point for yourself.

No, really, we have plenty of time. I'll wait.

When I first heard the news about this life altering event, I felt like I'd been punched squarely in the jaw. My face was hot and felt like it would melt but I didn't cry (for once!). I chalked it up to the Bad Season rearing its ugly head and well, I'd better kick things in to high gear to get out in front of the storm.
A storm I'd already started preparing for, by the way, just like when people used to stock bomb shelters in the 50's.

And even with all the canned peaches and jugs of water in the cellar, there is no emotional preparation that works for these storms; when your loved ones are ripped away from you, up into the funnel cloud. There aren't umbrellas big enough to shield you from the rainfall, as you watch them float away.
The bonds are broken and nothing is ever the same. Nothing.

I've had very few tears until today. (Prompting this post) I am watching the twister take all the things that have been keeping me from wandering off into the darkness never to be found again Bad Season after Bad Season. Over-dramatic? Yes, probably, but that's what it feels like. Of course it's survivable, just like all the other Bad Seasons that have come before it. This doesn't change the fact that I have too many tallies in the 'lose' column. Too many storms weathered with the clean-up still in progress. Where is Brad Pitt to rebuild that house??!

Do not derail my pity party. I am logical and sane and I 'get' it. I have been engaged in the futile efforts of working toward 'just being Happy!' and "Cheering UP!" for 36 years and several thousand dollars safely in the hands of incompetent therapists. Trust me when I say I know how this goes.

So, like it or not (and I don't), the storm is rolling in. The only thing constant is the balanced winds, no, tornadoes of change.
I better get back to gathering more supplies and make my way down to the cellar.