Wednesday, July 22, 2009

My Sympathy Tank Has Been Removed

I'm waiting for a cake to bake. I knew I needed to bake it but ended up not coming home right away to do this chore before 11pm tonight.

That of course is not the point but it could be I guess. I feel like I am always putting off moving toward a real goal or moving the needle toward something worthwhile.

My definition of that is only two-fold. It's always been these two seemingly simple items but knowing this is clearly not enough as I've veered so far off the course that I don't think I can find my way back.

I think I can sum it up in one sentence; I do not want to be a traffic spinster. I see them all around me and last summer, the shining, glaring really, example set before me gave me great pause. I knew that if I kept on this trajectory that I may as well throw it all in now. And yet, here I am a summer later and I am losing my will to resist. And frankly, I am better than that, I am smarter than that and I am more talented than that. My glass has not yet found it's level.

You see, I didn't think I'd ever recover from last years calamity. I was heavily medicated, in pain and hateful to many people who cared about me. Now here I am, I made it through; a chance to change, a chance to take real steps to those goals and to hopefully mend relationships and be forgiven by those who suffered my wrath. But all I feel is lost and exhausted. I struggle to find the point and time keeps moving more swiftly each day and people keep drifting further and further away from true connection (one that doesn't include a status update).

And I'll tell you, THAT, is all I truly want. That is all anyone wants, which is why it baffles me that 'we' keep moving further and further away from it. It's like the movie WALL-E has predicted our future; where humans are blobs that hover around, eyes glued to a screen, remote in hand and a liquid concoction at their lips.

The cake is done, my eyes are closing and so must these thoughts.