Monday, March 08, 2010

The Devil Won

"There is nothing for me now. Not one thing that is good. Not one thing I can hope for."

Insomnia has returned with a vengeance. It's not the mild version I've grown used to. This is the up-all-freakin'-night kind. The kind that kills you completely.

I think it's because I am at a very significant fork in the road. You see, I was again not given the promotion or the raise and also no goals because I am already exceeding expectations. There is no direction for which I am to go. So, what am I to do now?

There is this feeling deep in my being that I cannot shake and that is why I cannot sleep. I KNOW that I must DO something about this.
I am fighting the part of me that knows better; the part that has already been down this road too many times to count. The part that is exhausted from starting over and over and over and over again. And the part that refuses to be a traffic spinster, doing more than my share and them some, I might add.

I am so unhappy. I am so very, very lost. And so utterly and completely alone. But what difference does that make to anyone but me? We can only save ourselves.

I don't have much else to say other than that. I wish my friend hadn't died. I wish you still talked to me. I wish I would have gone to ASU like I wanted to. But then if I had I wouldn't have known you. And that would be the bigger tragedy I think. So, I suppose we are somehow always choosing the right path, wherever it takes us.

I think I'm tired now.