Holiday Rants - Volume Five

Well kids, it's that time again. But you know what? I'm just not feelin' it.
I know; it's shocking! The acerbic wit is taking a break.
Don't worry, I still loathe that crap people put on cars, Christmas music bleating well before its time and the fake niceness.

But this year there has been some change that has been like a burden has been lifted (yes, despite the feelings uttered in the last post) and well, that creates lightness in all areas of life.
In other words, the Bad Season has turned itself around a little bit. I know! I can hardly believe it myself.
I can still indulge in a little bit of ranting though so here goes!


1. Helicopter Parents - You don't need seven cameras recording the exact same performance of your kid at the holiday light show especially if you are both standing in the same place and all the cameras have the same shot. Zoom in already. There's a big pile of regret waiting when you get home.

2. The Costco Basket of Stuff No One Wants to Eat - This is disguised as a gift. It's not. It's an experiment or rather a dare; like a Letterman sketch. "Will you eat it?" (Also, no, it probably won't float. Those are going to be sinkers.)

3. Obligatory Gifting - see #2. Just bring a bottle of wine or a poinsettia if you feel you must bring something. Flammable liquids in the form of libations are always a good way to go. Unless your friends are alcoholics. Then you have bigger problems.

4. The Disappearance of Actual Christmas Cards - A mass text to your contact list is not a heartfelt wish. Save those characters for your Facebook status and annoy those people instead.

Have a happy holiday season everyone and be sure to make a very special wish on 1-1-11!





-Citygirl

Clouds Over My Heart

It probably started earlier than 2005 but that's the timestamp I can remember.
That's when the first events of the Bad Season began.

I know I wrote about it then. This blog proves it here (although you'll have to scroll). What I didn't know is that every autumn from there forward would have terrible things happen.

Fall 2005: That's when the clouds over my heart started to really roll in and well, the storm continues to build one Bad Season at a time.

I'm obviously writing about this because it's happening again.

I thought, foolishly of course, that this year would be different. The Bad Season would not yield any new events in 2010 and it would just be a memorial year of all the other Bad Seasons gone by. Wrong. Dead wrong.



This year the Bad Season doesn't disappoint. It is full of loss and 'bad' change. Change that I don't want. Mostly because again I didn't choose it.
This is where a philosophy class comes in handy because it's a waste of time arguing about the positive versus negative aspects of change, forced or otherwise. It isn't either. It just is. If change is anything, it is completely balanced with both of those qualities.
Go ahead and take a second here to consider that point for yourself.

No, really, we have plenty of time. I'll wait.


When I first heard the news about this life altering event, I felt like I'd been punched squarely in the jaw. My face was hot and felt like it would melt but I didn't cry (for once!). I chalked it up to the Bad Season rearing its ugly head and well, I'd better kick things in to high gear to get out in front of the storm.
A storm I'd already started preparing for, by the way, just like when people used to stock bomb shelters in the 50's.

And even with all the canned peaches and jugs of water in the cellar, there is no emotional preparation that works for these storms; when your loved ones are ripped away from you, up into the funnel cloud. There aren't umbrellas big enough to shield you from the rainfall, as you watch them float away.
The bonds are broken and nothing is ever the same. Nothing.



I've had very few tears until today. (Prompting this post) I am watching the twister take all the things that have been keeping me from wandering off into the darkness never to be found again Bad Season after Bad Season. Over-dramatic? Yes, probably, but that's what it feels like. Of course it's survivable, just like all the other Bad Seasons that have come before it. This doesn't change the fact that I have too many tallies in the 'lose' column. Too many storms weathered with the clean-up still in progress. Where is Brad Pitt to rebuild that house??!

Do not derail my pity party. I am logical and sane and I 'get' it. I have been engaged in the futile efforts of working toward 'just being Happy!' and "Cheering UP!" for 36 years and several thousand dollars safely in the hands of incompetent therapists. Trust me when I say I know how this goes.

So, like it or not (and I don't), the storm is rolling in. The only thing constant is the balanced winds, no, tornadoes of change.
I better get back to gathering more supplies and make my way down to the cellar.

Human Movement Through Water

It's hard to stay focused when you're swimming. You can't read a magazine or listen to music or watch television. There is nothing to distract your brain from the fact that you are exercising, that your lungs are burning, that you still don't know how to do a successful flip turn in the shallow end.

I have been utterly satisfied by this, however. I have found my stride and some consistency with my lap swimming. Surprisingly enough I've made improvements.

It was not without it's trials. There is a constant battle between me and everyone else. Which I don't doubt will continue. It seems to be a trend in the world. Inconsiderate people are multiplying faster than they can update their Facebook status.

These kerfuffles in the pool aren't even funny stories to re-tell although I know that usually that's what we're looking for; the funny in the end.
But I'm here to attest that following the rules of lap swimming has only gotten me hit in the face, the leg and the butt by grown men who have no clue about how to split a lane or remember the old ways of simple respect for the fairer sex.

And while I turn my head to breathe I come to these conclusions about my life. Following the rules has gotten me nothing. I should have risked more and more often. I am the way I am (acerbic, intolerant of foolishness, efficient, alone) because I know how to grin and bear it extremely well.

'They' are often fond of saying "It's never too late." I disagree.
Sometimes this is all there is. No better, no worse.

Stroking through life one lap at a time, getting hit in the ass by a loser who backstrokes; then moving faster than the stupid lady who is exercising in the lap swim lane when she knows she's not supposed to and then the rare moments when you get a swimmer who keeps the rhythm or when you have the lane to yourself for all the flip turn practice you can stand. Then you do it all over again.

Up and down the pool until your body is done.

The Devil Won

"There is nothing for me now. Not one thing that is good. Not one thing I can hope for."

Insomnia has returned with a vengeance. It's not the mild version I've grown used to. This is the up-all-freakin'-night kind. The kind that kills you completely.

I think it's because I am at a very significant fork in the road. You see, I was again not given the promotion or the raise and also no goals because I am already exceeding expectations. There is no direction for which I am to go. So, what am I to do now?

There is this feeling deep in my being that I cannot shake and that is why I cannot sleep. I KNOW that I must DO something about this.
I am fighting the part of me that knows better; the part that has already been down this road too many times to count. The part that is exhausted from starting over and over and over and over again. And the part that refuses to be a traffic spinster, doing more than my share and them some, I might add.

I am so unhappy. I am so very, very lost. And so utterly and completely alone. But what difference does that make to anyone but me? We can only save ourselves.

I don't have much else to say other than that. I wish my friend hadn't died. I wish you still talked to me. I wish I would have gone to ASU like I wanted to. But then if I had I wouldn't have known you. And that would be the bigger tragedy I think. So, I suppose we are somehow always choosing the right path, wherever it takes us.

I think I'm tired now.

Fester Further Flaxey

I've been batting around some thoughts for awhile now. They are best left unpublished. They'll be misinterpreted for sure. So, I'm going to keep them in my head to fester further for now.
Instead I'll share this song lyric because it says some of it better than I can right now. Thank you Annie Stela for writing it and KCRW for playing it that day.
I strongly suggest you give it a listen too.







Heart

Hallelujah, the spring is bringing bombs of purple on the street
I walk the dog and I crush them with my feet
Oh, the morning
The sun too bright and the moon not bright enough
I got nothing new to say except I think I’ve had enough

I don’t believe you when you tell me I’m a good girl

There must be a heart that keeps me here
Away from the panic and the fear
There must be a heart that keeps me here

Did I break you?
I really did not think it could be done
And suddenly the cards had all been played and I had won
So where is the good feeling?
Where is the lighting up?
Where are the thousand voices screaming, telling me this is enough?

I don’t believe you when you tell me I’m a good girl

There must be a heart that keeps me here
Away from the panic and the fear
There must be a heart that keeps me here

Oh, everyday and ordinary, does it make me happy?
Does it curl beneath the surface of my skin
Will I let it in?

There must be a heart that keeps me here
Away from the panic and the fear
There must be a heart that keeps me here