The Way Forward

Here we are again, well into the new year they're calling 2012 and that Holiday post is still up. I know, I know no one reads this thing anyway, so what difference does it make? None. None to you and none to me either. So why post at all? (I like rhetorical questions) Nothing better to do I suppose and I guess, if I think about it, the brain floating in this skull, that used to be full of profundity and wit and run-on sentences needs to have a chance at not completely turning to mindless mush from it's daily boredom, lack of problem solving and non-thinking.

What should we talk about? Let's start with progress reports but we'll avoid politics, current events and of course the weather. Because if you have nothing to discuss but the weather, you're in trouble. Although, had I become a meteorologist like I thought I wanted to be, because of that cool book on the weather I had when I was about seven or eight that's all we'd be discussing, believe me. I digress.

Where were we? Oh yes, progress.

The lifeguard certificate still eludes me but that is only due to availability and location of classes and scheduling conflicts. If I'm able to pass, I'll be certified by the Red Cross in June. Then what? Well, I'll look for some part-time guard work for the summer. I'm sure there's a lot to learn for new lifeguards. I'll be honest, I'm terrified to take this course. It's going to be extremely difficult and physically challenging. I've never done anything of the kind and although I have confidence I will be able to order the red nylon windbreaker in a few months, I'm also questioning my ability.
I'm still going to go for it and let the water splash where it may.

Hand in hand with the swimming, I report that I continue to receive compliments and support for my physical activity efforts. And although the scale hasn't moved much in a bit, my driver's license is no longer a lie. That really is something, people. That number hasn't been true since 2002. Everyday is still a challenge to stay the course; there are no days off, but making the choice for health has become so much easier and I'm really proud to be able to say that. There is no such thing as perfect and some days I don't complete a vigorous workout or eat the best thing I could have but those days are really few and farther between than ever before. Now we progress to making that number lower so I can go get a new license altogether.

I'd speak of changing the place that gives me money in exchange for showing up and sitting here, but I can't. The times remain tough and the competition fierce. I've had a few nibbles that have amounted to nothing and the opportunities are rare for positions in my field. This area has zero progress at the moment.

In other almost no progress news, the music creation and performance has all but halted. I can't remember the last time I played my piano. I did write a few lines last month but can't seem to get to the second verse or even have a thought of melody. I told someone recently, in response to the question 'why'd you move here', that I was a singer but that I'm done with that now. She told me to not give up. I nodded. It's just easier than to explain. I think when the universe keeps telling you 'no' you have to start to listen at some point. Now, if I won the lottery, I'd pay musicians and producers and record my music in as much time as it would take to mail my letter of resignation. This is unlikely to occur and so there it is. I admit that music will always be the thing that I am the best at; an expert if you will, but I'm not going to get to make it my career. 

Soon I will be older, in less than a month now, in fact. I am wishy-washy on my feelings about that. Last year was not my favorite birthday ever. It was actually kind of devastating to be frank. Which if you've read this blog at all you already know that. 


For several years I threw myself a pool patio party. I liked that. It was great fun. Except for the drudgery of the work of handling everything yourself. So I stopped having the party, which was probably a mistake since the last few birthdays have been massively disappointing and unspecial for a gal who likes(ed?) her birthday.

It could be because it's in May and that means spring and flowers;specifically the lilacs of my youth from our backyard, (They started blooming then and maybe it felt like that was just for me.) the sun is shining brighter and it's time to wear pretty dresses and frolic. (Okay, I got a little carried away there but I do remember 'frolicking' to some degree around the yard among the plentiful flowers in the yard).

I am thinking a lot about what to do this year to avoid repeating that extremely unhappy, lonely and sad feeling from last year. I know I must keep my expectations in check, however. Expectation is the killer of joy. (There's your pull quote, guest blogger) I may resurrect the party or I may go to the spa and take myself to dinner or take a little trip. I don't know yet. I have already taken the time off from work though, because even if I just sleep in and stay home all day, that wretched place is absolutely the LAST location in this entire universe that I'd want to spend the anniversary of my birth. (Unlike my last employ, where it was a joy to be on your birthday. I miss those people dearly.) We shall see what comes to pass and I'll be sure and report back. Either way, I'm going to put on a pretty dress and frolic somewhere. That much I know. 

That's all for now. It's probably enough and too long at that. No one reads more than three sentences at a time anymore anyway.

Progressively yours,

Citygirl