Loss and Lost

I usually don't post anything too personal or revealing or real for that matter. It's a funny little blog, showcasing my amazing sense of humour and wit.
Not that by sharing all the thoughts I've been saving is going to change anything, but it will free up some of the space in my head. And since I can't afford therapy anymore, this will have to do and it's going to be heavy.

I've been thinking a lot about broken hearts lately. I thought that I had suffered
them a few times, but those were all illusions.
When my niece died, I watched my sister's heart break.
That was and is a real broken heart.
One that I can't fix.
I have always, for the most part, been able to take care of my sister. I am at a loss this time. I can only offer what I always have and that will be fine, but it still doesn't seem like enough.

I still haven't really been able to process it. I have just been going through the motions of my life since I returned to it a week or so ago. I am being forced into change, yet again and alone as always. This time it seems utterly insurmountable because of all the extra stuff being piled on at the same time. I know intellectually, that that isn't true but I am so tired and exhausted that my will to pick up the pieces (again) is depleted.

What I want is to be seven years old again and be able to curl up in my mother's lap and cry until it doesn't hurt anymore. Knowing that she will make it stop hurting. We don't realize what we have when we're seven, do we? And I suppose, sometimes, on the other side of that is a tired adult wishing they too were seven, curled up and taken care of.

At this point I should be hurtling toward a point and then close by bringing it all back around and maybe have a moral to the story. But I am directionless and scattered and I am not going to be able to help you, dear reader, with anything profound to come away with.

My little niece was amazing and precious. I marveled at how she wanted to pull those tubes out of her nose and I am glad that there are pictures of her without them obstructing her radiant, gorgeous face. I am grateful I had the chance to hold her and sing to her. I will keep singing to her. I think it will help heal broken hearts.